Metamorphosis

It's been a long time since I've put any effort into this blog.  Partly due to a bum computer, partly due to a busy summer, but also caused by some general discomfort with my usual subjects.  My youngest guy has probably always seemed a bit uncomfortable in his skin.  This past winter it all kind of came to a head and we tried to find our way into the mental health system in order to find him some help.  Nothing was drastic, but it was hard to watch the little guy go about his business while all kind of tied up both emotionally and in terms of his sensory system.  After hitting many brick walls we found our way to a lovely OT who seemed like a great fit right away.  And she started putting him through his paces.  Hard paces.  Which sometimes caused even more 'feedback' than what he had originally been dealing with. 

This summer we've had to back off the OT a bit due to lots of excellent opportunities to be out and about.  There was a week at camp, then visitors from abroad, family camp, road trips.  All good, but the whole time I watched my son closely.  He was always so tense.  His mouth, the vortex of his disquiet, has been torqued and tight and stressed all summer.  Really since birth, but it's been building steadily since this winter.  He holds his lips so tight, kind of pulling them over his teeth.  Not all the time, but a lot.  They are my canary in the mine when it comes to figuring out how close he might be feeling to equilibrium.  Tighter the lips, the further he is out toward a deep end. 

On our last road trip, he had a great attitude and had lots of fun.  But his body was a mess.  Shoulders up to his ears, lips drawn back tight, his somewhat limited coordination even more off.  He dropped his fork about 14 times per meal.  I watched all this and wondered when and where a steam vent might blow.  And I hoped it wouldn't be while he was on a trip with my parents.  I could see that something was coming.  Right before we sent him off with my parents,  I took my dad aside and gave him a little info about what might help should my guy 'lose it'.  I didn't say too much.  And didn't say anything to my mom.  Didn't want to up their stress level, as I figured my guy was carrying enough for everyone.

I then left for a meeting out of town the day before my parents were to pick up my son.   That made me nervous, and for good cause, as I recieved a panicky phone call about an hour before he was to make his way to my parents.  He was freaking out.  I talked him off the cliff, which is so much harder to do via phone, and felt pretty good about his reaction.  And then he left.  He was out of communication for a long weekend as they kayaked, canoed, and hiked up on the south shore of Lake Superior.  We talked to them once they made their way to Duluth, 5 days into their week long trip.  Theo sounded great.  Grounded.  Happy.  Relaxed.  And sure enough, he came home 2 days later and just looked totally different to me.  There was a stillness to him I hadn't seen before.  Maybe ever.  And his face was relaxed- no lip tightness whatsover. 

This morning he went back to his OT for the first time in several weeks.  I didn't say anything about the changes I had noticed, but within minutes of working with him, she backed up, gave a double take and said, "WHOA!  Who are you?  You seem like an entirely different kid."  I then told her what he had been like about a week ago, and the differences I had noted.  She called it a 'Neuro Pop'.  And that of course, what precedes such a pop is neuro chaos.  Things regress as his body and mind kind of coil up and prepare to leap forward.  Makes so much sense.  In the car after his appointment we were talking about this and I said that to me, it seemed like he had been in this 'chaotic' state for atleast 3 weeks.  He disagreed and thought it had been most of the summer.  He noted how hungry he was these days, how hard he was sleeping, and he's right- not only have things changed on some neuro level, but this kid is about to pop in different ways as well.

As I thought about this more, I got this image of a caterpillar going into a chrysalis- something I have once had the honor of witnessing.  It was not pretty.  Watching this caterpillar writhe and spin and flail as it desperately attempted to transform into something new was intense and actually a bit disturbing.  Or not disturbing, but awe inspiring in the sense when awed truly means "inspired by a feeling of fearful wonderment'. There was fear present while I watched that.  Anyway- back to my son.  I kind of think that what he's been doing for the past few months is flailing, writhing, spinning inside.  And to make things harder for him (but easier for us) he his stunningly bound and determined to keep as calm on the outside as possible because he likes to 'save face' at almost any cost.  We don't see the behavior outbursts that his OT warned us about.  But looking back, I now realize that he's been giving off a terribly intense low frequency energy for months.  And the only obvious indicator is his mouth.  Those twisted lips.  And now the lips are calm.  My little bug seems to have hit the next stage.  My question is, is he right now resting in the chrysalis?  Or has he already emerged onto some 'other' side?  Or is that still on the next horizon?  I know that changes and struggles and challenges aplenty await.  And I know that I am not really in charge of what he will finally emerge as.  But I am so relieved to see him get this current rest.  I can't take my eyes off his newly relaxed face.  Just like I kept staring in awe even after our caterpillar had made it to the chrysalis.  It just hung there, completely still, but continued to command my rapt interest, as I knew that more changes were to come.  I hope that in the case of our caterpillar, most of the real work happened just getting into that damned chrysalis.  From here hopefully he can just relax and ride this wave onto the next horizon.