Losing some Amish envy

Today on the back page of the paper was a huge ad for a FREE super high quality heater!  There were these pictures of wholesome Amish lads creating the 'mantles' for these heaters with smiles on their faces.  The ad had tons of text with the word FREE in caps and huge font over and over.  All I had to do was call a toll free number at 8:30 this morning and if I was one of the first 9,484 (why 9,484???) people I would get a heater for free!  I am naturally suspicious, even of the Amish, so I read the vast amounts of fine print to find the catch.  And there is one.  Right in the middle of 24 paragraphs (I counted) of text it says: You just can't find custom made Amish mantles like this in the national chain stores.  That makes the oak mantle a real steal for just two hundred ninety-eight dollars...  Man did that take the wind out of my amish sails.  Those sly dogs.  I expected more from them.
I might have expressed my indignation and disappointment to the boys as they were eating breakfast.  Theo asked what I was going to do about it (he does listen to me!! This is what I say to him whenever he starts to amp up his victimtude), was I going to write a letter to the editors?  I thought about it, then said, no, the Amish enjoy such warm feelings that if I was to say something against them I would be villain-ized in the American media.  The boys took it from there.  They wondered if anyone would do a little research and find out about my membership in the so-called Amish Envy Club and what they would make of that!  And once that got out it would just be a matter of time before we would find anonymous black buggies parked inconspicuously down the block.  Men dressed in black lurking around the yard with slingshots bulging under their wool sweaters, stuck in the straps of their suspenders.  Their fantasy (and I do think the thought of their mother being hunted down by angry Amish was a real fantasy for them) ended with me encased in a wooden jail cell, one with high quality crafted bars of course, rotting away in the back of a barn somewhere in southern Minnesota.  But here's the good news- they continued on to craft an escape story for me.  It involved me getting some benefits for being a good prisoner and being granted time with my lovely pets- the ever hungry rabbits.  The boys would have taught the rabbits to chew more quietly in the interim, and under the cover of darkness Penny and Gunnar would gnaw me to freedom.  All in all it made for a lovely breakfast conversation.  All enjoyed while eating my work of art chocolate chip pancakes.  Today I made a traditional smiley face, then branched out to a peace sign, and ended with a pickle.  It took some imagination to see the pickle in the pancake, but the boys had proved to me already this morning that they did not lack creativity.